Today went better. It was still plenty busy but I feel like I made progress on the accumulated stress level. Got help with my bug test 1error in the test, as expected, dealt with Melissa’s insurance 2i.e. paid for it again and pretended like talking to her about paying the bill or signing up for Medicaid would make her do anything and my utility bills 3which I apparently missed this month. Saw Shanda for 20 minutes 4because we scheduled ahead for a break, went to the office 5and got to ride with Shanda for a few minutes of public time. Got my bug tested and into review 6still need another…

I tried to get up this morning to deal with last night’s test failure. But that didn’t go. Between Shanda’s early knocking about and the CO alarm failing 1The way these things decide to tell you about faults is silly. They should have a less intrusive notification system for expected failures like end-of-life. They could at least have a motion sensor so they tell you about the battery when you walk by instead of at 2 AM when your across the house, waiting 45 seconds for the next beep so you can … Continue reading I somehow missed my actual alarm. Too many disturbances and not enough sleep 2Never would have…

I’ve been thinking more about my morning anxiety, as it’s not an uncommon experience for my first thoughts to be worry. It was again today, though with a tighter schedule I spent less time in it. Part of it is the trigger of my alarm. I got an alarm clock before I started kindergarten and have been responsible for getting myself up since then. I was excited when I was 5 to get a clock. It made being alone on the porch seem more bearable. And it was one of the only things I owned. But it was also a prop used by Mother to transfer her responsibilities and failures…

Today I woke up anxious. Even half asleep I was busy trying to guess the “right” way to moderate certain interactions, or react to possible occurrences. Nothing real – the decisions that felt so important to my anxiety are mostly just the random predictions of partial consciousness – but that doesn’t make it any less stressful. I wish I could at least let my sleepy time brain have a break. It’s not every day but it’s often enough I’d like to change it. I feel like my day would go better if my brain didn’t start at stress level 24. It makes getting back to sleep hard on days when…

Still sort of a hard day for Shanda. Some body pain, and a continued tendency to see deviations from the Plan as interfering external control. We did get to spend a minute where you shared some of my waiting feels instead of feeling attacked by them, and that was nice. D&D was small today – just the GM and one other player – but it was still good to get back to a game anyway. I might be playing a little too fatalistic murdery for the storyline he wants to run, but for today it was fun to drug a middle aged rich woman in her own home and dump…

Here’s a thing I can never figure out how to communicate as a coherent set of non-contradictory facts. Or at least can’t figure out how to induce the right feeling about them to make them feel safe and compatible:1. I believe you and in your ability to manage the things that are important to you. I believe that the decisions you make are sensible and useful for achieving the life you want. Even when I don’t understand exactly what that is.2. You can have help with any decision that seems hard or scary or that you are not confident about or that you don’t have the time to make or…

Got more toys today and immediately did this [fig 1]. B said I had good opaque colors and David Bowie pallet, which seems plausible. Reactions have been better than I expected in general. Shanda was away when I did it, so she didn’t have to share a reaction right away. That helped in avoiding the thing where me asking for a reaction triggers a bad one, but it also sort of reinforces the idea that I’m too much and need to give everyone lots of space if I hope for them to deal with me. DerbyK said that you wanted my help with your makeup. I think that vastly overestimates…

Did some woodworking today [fig 1]. Still needs some sanding but the cutting is all done. Maybe some color tomorrow after Shanda gets home, and a bunch of drilling whenever I feel diligent enough to keep things square. It’s not a big project but it’s good to feel like I’m getting something done. Should help me do the tea shelf and the coat hooks and whatnot too. Played with my new toys before going out this afternoon [fig 2,3]. Found something that will actually sit on my water line instead of being eaten by my eye. And I love the color on the lashes – my eyes are too deep…

I don’t like hot beverages. Not sweet, not bitter, not herbal, not savory. So I don’t ever want tea. But I do like ice. I like turning on the machine and having it make me some over the course of 20 minutes. Watching the PLC run through the state machine. Pulling out the first batch – the one that’s not cold enough and so forms thin rings instead of cubes – and getting a sample before the it’s ready. Refilling the ice after the first batch melts. Finding it’s still cold after I’ve forgotten about the ice. Seeing the mislabeled “Ice” light cycle on and off in a way that…

M has a visitor this week that I’m really excited about. Who I think will help you feel safe and in control and who I’m glad you didn’t have to wait a super long time to see. I’m a little worried about how you’re still sick but I’m told you’re going to get help with that in the near future. And someday we’ll find a way for your life to feel calm enough that you can get to some of the important but less urgent tasks that feel too burdensome. Or find a way to make them seem more relieving than stressful. V didn’t show up to robots on Saturday,…