Mixed days, the past couple. A ton of great things happened on Tuesday, but also lots of waiting and reacting, and not enough sleep after Monday’s travel. Wednesday was less busy but still not far down the establishing routine path either. And still note enough sleep. Went with M to an appointment, which is a thing I still can’t quite believe is common — I know it’s just my lack of experience with professional medical care, but the idea that you can have someone with you feels very foreign to me. It does help me feel useful, at least once I can get past the idea that I’m unjustly imposing…

I’m back to Cleveland today. Just about the same time Dog gets back to my Seattle home. He’s safe and secure – Shanda is headed to fetch him right now – but didn’t get home quite in time for me to see him. I feel a little bad not driving up late last night to get him but it would have killed me today while I traveled, and taken away my last night with Shanda. So Dog will just have to wait until I’m home again. He’ll probably still love me. If he doesn’t I can always trick him again like I did the first time. Shanda is taking some…

A logistical summary to add some clarity to my obfuscated and sometimes panicked The Screeds, for those who don’t get to hear me in other channels. On November 11 I found out M was in the hospital in Cleveland. I left the next day to help, though I did not at the time know what that help would be. I rented a house that would be big enough for everyone I knew to be involved, spent about 22 hours anxiously pacing, and eventually got to Cleveland. You might remember the 14 ranting messages I sent to try to calm myself about abandonment. It was not a great time. The next…

There is one holiday food that I have liked for years.  It was the first seasonal food that I was: 1. Allowed to order or build. Everything is a request upon her and she charges you just to ask 2. Mother felt like could be used as a punishment. This means I can always get to eat it instead of her eating it. It also helped me get it more often because she thought it was less valuable 3. I did not think would be easy for her to ruin. Something that is served hot but I’m willing to eat cold, because most days I have the opportunity to eat…

Still waiting for Dog. I think today there’s a plan to get a trap going, instead of just waiting for him to walk close enough to grab. But it’s still just waiting. And less and less likely that I’ll see him before I leave again. Talked with my boss about living in Cleveland. They’re finally starting to get used to it, which makes my life easier (and presumably their life too). Also talked with them about how I can better help with organizational goals, and how I want to structure my non-process time while working. It all went fairly well. I think the thing with Dog has helped them understand…

Dog is currently missing. Has been for a few days. Lots of waiting happening. And in a week with precious little time in it. Dog was staying with Ben while Shanda and I were both away. Dog was intentionally released by Ben’s abusive landlord, who is _now_ very worried but was not sufficiently worried at the time and who continues to be not good at respect or genuine responsibility. Dog has been spotted many times and seems to be doing okay on his own, but has not yet been recaptured. We were up there all day Tuesday with the hope of encountering him but he never showed himself to us.…

Better today. At keeping all the pieces in the same box. I no longer feel like it’s necessary to manage Father’s emotions in order to be a good person. Which was the status quo, I just lost the thread when he broke though my no-contact protections. And I’m actually pretty happy about letting him know that he failed at the one thing he though he was doing – providing money. Ben has a scheme to manipulate Father into the idea that sharing instead if hoarding might better serve his expressed goals. I don’t think that’s a good plan (or a very plausible one) but I could play this role on…

More good things today, but I still can’t quite get them in the same box as my abandonment anxiety. M had a great first step in finding the sort of assistance you were seeking and prompt progress toward step 2, even though you did have to put up with a fair amount of bullshit to get there. I got a bed frame and a number of smaller items that help me feel more like I live here, and worked toward many of the longer-term goals that we had been putting off. Accomplished real grocery shopping, ate real supper, got to rub my toes in a fluffy rug. Shared about my…