Got to see M Tuesday. Only for a few minutes, but still the best part of the week thus far. Got to reassure myself that you’re tolerating the demands for compliance with arbitrary rules — better than I feel like I could — at least well enough for the next day or so. And then you should be out, and we’ll accidentally spend more in-person time together that first day than we ever have in any non-robots context. You did a thing for me while I was there; a thing that I secretly wished for but you asked about like it was a favor I might deny you. A thing…

My life is hard right now so I am going to write a bunch of these. Possibly every time I need to calm down. Hopefully not many as chaotic and hopeless as last night’s, but no promises. I appreciate your support if you have any to spare, even if merely in being a wall to shout against, but feel free to unsubscribe if this feels like too much to you. I can never tell because I always feel like I’m a burden, hence these low-self-regard disclaimers. — Eventually I calmed down and got settled into the house. Didn’t even have trouble being restful for sleep, though I did have some…

This is going to be poorly written and full of unpleasant things. Feel free to not read it if that sounds like a bad time to you. I’m gonna write it anyway, in the hope I can eventually sleep, and perhaps be useful tomorrow. And I’m gonna send it because it feels a little like support just to imagine that I can talking about my life without hurting people. Even if it’s the third time today. — I had a really hard time when I finally got to my lodgings today. I did okay while I was traveling but moments after I got inside I was terrified of being alone.…

And now for the rest of what I meant to send…  I’m less dying today. Yesterday I wasn’t sure if I should go to M. My feelings are pretty sure that my involvement in your life – or anyone’s life – is likely to cause harm. That my physical presence in particular is a burden to people. But today I feel like I can actually help. I’m good at emergency response. I can stay as long as is useful. I can protect against threats that other people don’t understand. And you actually like me. Or at least that’s what V says. So I’m still sad that you’re in this situation.…

I’ve done nothing today but wait for transportation. Well that and paint spirit fingers for team M [Fig 1]. I’m dying less today. Spent the better part of an hour in the back of a crazy Uber on Saturday, just trying to get downtown. Took forever to get to us, had two intermediate trip, could never figure out where he was going, at one point had 5 people in the car plus a back pillow, and legit risked traffic incidents no fewer than 7 times. I retrospect we should have bailed at the first red light. I will if anything similar happens again. DerbyK did something brave and fun this week.…

The bleed-off wasn’t fast enough – M’s leak tore wide open. You’re in the hospital for a few days and I’m headed out to see if I can help. Or maybe just to feel like I’m doing something, because sitting here being heartbroken is not a good time. I’m so worried that you’ll feel there’s no option but to immediately return to the same insanity. Or that if you don’t recover instantly you’ll feel knocked unrecoverably off your Plan and submit to disappointment. Or that you’ll feel limited to options you don’t like, like giving up school or depending on your mother. Or that I’ll never get another taco. I’m…

Sort of back to work. Went to my noon meeting at least, and did email – even signed into IM – so it looks like I worked. I still need to check the release notes before Monday but those are usually pretty easy – after all, it’s officially my job to write lies if I can’t think of anything good to say. Off to robots to do boring calibration work. It’s useful for making programs easier to write and modify but it’s boring accounting work in terms of making it happen. But maybe it’s a good match for my low key day; boring but productive isn’t a terrible time, and…

Today had things. Mostly slow things. I was able to offer a tiny piece of help to M and to be reassured about some improvements. I got help being less angry about families from DerbyK, and less crazy about how I imagine my obligation to protect people from me. Shanda helped me lounge the right amount, get the valances permanently mounted, and make a decision about the bedrooms. I went with Shanda to B’s art show; went fine for us but B was stressed and somewhat disappointed. Unfortunately they couldn’t reach out to Shanda for help, or even accept any when offered. Which is a feeling I know well from…

Today something exploded, or at least started to leak. It’s a thing I’ve been worried about for months – has been happening to a greater or lesser degree for most of that time – and nothing dramatic changed today. In fact things started getting better in exactly the way I have tried so long to make a safe option. But engaging with it interactively is still a challenge. For good reason: it’s crushing to only just barely be able to help someone having a real hard time. I’m frustrated that hugs don’t mail well, that change is slow, and that I can’t offer the best options I can imagine. And…

Finally, time off. I left work before 1 PM* and won’t go back until Friday. Even that’s just an accounting trick to let me catch up on email before I ditch early for robots. And Shanda is off with me. They even finally see, almost a month too late, the value in dedicating some time to recovery. And so I have high hopes. Learned that alive and sorry are two important things. I like one of those more than the other, but I’m mostly just glad to have the attention. It sounds tough to be someplace where those are both high priorities; not sure I can do anything to help…