2 Days

Curfew is the legal process by which we make police terrorism lawful. It declares a Purge period, in which the police will not be held accountable for violence against the public. In the hours leading up to a curfew we see the police not afraid but determined, standing in view of the people the instead to hurt, gearing up for the “lawful” activity they will undertake once the clock and a corrupt hierarchy makes it consequence free. Curfews are not issued to protect us, there are issued to justify police violence.

Which we can see in Seattle, where police riots stopped when the city lifted the curfew. We didn’t lift the curfew after the violence stopped, we just stopped making the violence lawful and low and behold the police didn’t riot. Or at least riotted less.. Seattle also banned the use of tear gas for 30 days. The police were careful to tell us they would still be using other chemical, acoustic, projectile, electrical, concussive and melee weapons, but they did agree to not use that one weapon against the unarmed public for a short period. Of course it’s the cops so they broke this rule 2 days later when they restarted their terrorism, but it’s a start.

Defund the police. Not just because they’re corrupt and full of white nationalists and happy to engage in terrorism, but also because we could be using the money for something that actually works. The current demand in Seattle is an immediate 50% reduction, which seems conservative to me. I could imagine a 90% reduction right now, and the last 10% in the next 12 months. I’d say 100% today but it will take us a minute to spin up some of the alternatives. I’m a little worried about all the unemployed Nazis with guns this will put on the street, but without the cops to protect them that problem should be easier to address.

Shanda has been sick. Sick enough that you wanted COVID testing. The test says no but it was still enough to keep you down for a week. And the various stages of your panic about it were difficult to navigate, on top of the usual work of running the household alone and taking care of a sick person. It has been a lot. I’m also sort of resentful that the car I rented last week couldn’t be used for errands and protests while we isolated and tested. It’s not your fault but it has taken away a coping tool during trying times, and required all the setup work with none of the benefit.

I’ve been able to avoid sick, though possibly just by virtue of being in bed so much already. Since I got moved to the SNRI I’m having a different class of sleep problems – I’m still exhausted and in bed for 14 hours a day, but now I can’t get any restful sleep. I can fall asleep, but I cycle between light sleep and minor wakefulness and never really get sleep. It feels specifically like I’m on a stimulant – like I got super tired and dosed up on caffeine or MDMA or something, so now I’m twitchy and exhausted. And it never wears off. At least with regular drugs it eventually goes away. My physician says I should keep on it if I can, to see if the effect subsides, but my hope is pretty thin. If it’s not better by the 18th I’m done with drug trials for at least a few months; I haven’t slept normally since the 2nd week of April.

Broke my laptop screen somehow today. Which I finally took as an excuse to replace it outright. It has been very difficult for me to buy myself new computers recently. My desktop is so old it literally can’t run a modern OS and my laptop is more than 5 years old ¹On a related note, I’ve got a mostly working 2015 Macbook if anyone has a use for it. I’d probably be willing to get the screen replaced if it was going to a good home.. Even with it busted and most of the money saved already I still had to talk myself into it. I’m slightly disappointed that the new one is a little larger, but I do like the all the pixels (2560×1600 native), and it’s always exciting to get new hardware. Now if only I didn’t have to wait until July for it to get here.

Therapy last week went okay. My therapist reacted more or less as I predicted to being seen, but was at least able to talk about it out loud, so it’s not hopeless. Like most people they are unsettled by being seen and like most professionals they see it not just as a general lack of control but as a specific disruption to their practice. We started out at the break up dance but I think we ended somewhere better. It’s so frustrating for me that knowing what I want and asking for it often makes it harder for me to get it. I feel like I have to choose to between getting what I need and being able to tell anyone what that is, between honest and authentic connection and acceptance as a human. We’ll see how this week goes. I’m not going to be my best with the ongoing sleep deprivation.

I’ve got feels stories about wall colors and dawning after the dark and protest painting, but none of those will go until I get some god damned rest.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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